BROOM Breaking News

Reform or Revolution? – Catholic Church Goes Cool
(Vatican) Currently, Catholicism is severely shaken by radical reforms proudly proposed by Pope Francis.
The raucous revolutionary already introduced a new kind of austerity by stepping back from retro rituals. Now, his odd opinions include being nice to formerly feared and prudishly persecuted groups such as homosexual and divorced people. Needless to say, not every prudent priest agrees. Thirty bustling bishops bully fearless Francis now: They wrote him a long letter, threatening to go and found a new Catholic church. Reminded of something? Exactly: It’s what happened time and time again during the ages.
In the Middle Ages, people who challenged Church like our current pope does were persecuted and eventually burnt as heretics. Some founded their own “churches” like the French Catharists. Some were more successful than them, for example the Lutherans and Co., in short: the Protestants.
Are we now facing a new schism? Two or more popes, a divided church at war? Honestly, boys in the Vatican, wake up! Your precious institution will only survive if you manage to move on from medieval doctrines and concentrate on the roots of Christianity, most importantly on charity! (BC)

 
Sensational Sighting: Eminent Editors Plan Spectacular Sail!
(The Sea) Since all ever-working employees at newBROOM are renowned for their innovative investigative journalism, it will come as no serious surprise that they are able to find fantastic stories even when they are on holiday.
According to this photo, our eminent editors brazenly bought a huge yacht to sail the seven seas. Whether the vain vessel will also serve as mobile headquarters in case the darling Death Eaters come to call yet again is not clear. It certainly would be a good idea. (Slave PhD)

 

New Venice
(Great Britain) The dying days of the old year and the dawning days of the new one certainly see Great Britain in a sad state.
Wild water fiercely falling from the filthy fog furiously forms surprising streams and cheekily changes kind creeks into rioting rivers. Some terribly touched towns seriously think of really re-naming their realms into New Venice or publicly paraphrasing their popular place names by righteously replacing the plain preposition 'on' into 'in' as this actually appears to be much more precise. All borrowed buckets are unanimously used to thoroughly throw wet water out of secret cellars. The fantastic fire brigade brings hoped for help and even the satisfied soldiers are suddenly sent to surely support the poor population. Don't hang down your head! (MF)

 

Comment: Scary Times

(Europe) We are currently faced with a large amount of refugees seeking safety in Europe. Seeing the terrible pictures from war-ravaged Syria and all the other countries torn apart by atrocities, who can deny them safety?
Apparently, many people can. Being scared of losing out in the doling out of public goods is one reason to be against taking care of refugees. Scary tales about criminal foreigners is another reason. Only very few people are genuinely worried about how to take care of the refugees in a humane way – most are ignorant and xenophobic, in varying degrees.
Unfortunately, this is the ideal breeding ground for right-wing fascists to raise their ugly heads. Their favourite chant is “We are the people” – well, if they are, then I am not part of that particular kind of people.
And yes, I am scared too. Scared of living here when people deem “good person” to be a swear word, when politicians are attacked for helping refugees, where every fact made public by officials is denounced to be a lie so the fascists can continue scaring people, where people seem to have NO heart. I am not scared of refugees, though, and why would I? I am scared of Europeans. (KS)

New Year's Resolution for 2016

(Headquarters) It is a custom widely followed that on the first of January we always change our lives completely. This usually lasts for a day or when you are lucky two days. But this year it will be different! This year will not end in chaos!
There are plenty of items on our list, but first and foremost in January 2015 we will not write down last year's date...damn it...there are plenty of items on our list, but first and foremost in January 2016 we will not write down last year's date!
We all carry around a bit too much of ourselves especially around the waist. From now on we will only eat healthy food. The green stuff that can be eaten raw and which is usually avoided by us. No, we're not talking of green jelly babies. We're talking of cucumbers, bell peppers, courgettes and asparagus...alright after so much healthy food, maybe one or two green jelly babies will not harm our good shape.
Next on our list is to get fitter. Sports is the solution and out in this weather there is just so much to do like...okay, okay, indoors sports are nice, too. Let's start with...there is skiing on TV. That sounds interesting and it's much safer to watch then to do it yourself!
This one will work for us. We'll quit smoking. There was the thought that this might not be a real resolution as as a matter of fact none of us here at newBROOM is smoking but when we discussed starting smoking just to give it up we decided to change our resolution into we will not start smoking this year. Great!
Do you think this was all? No, far from it. Above all of these things we will from now on be nice to everyone: we will be nice to our sl...employees, we will be nice to all of our pets, we will be nice to all of our plants and promise to water them more regularly, we will even be nice to the morons at the Ministry and last but not least we will be nice to Geronimo. We will be nice to Geronimo? Well, if he is nice to us, too, then we will be nice to him...maybe..we'll try...if possible...
This year we will also not forget any of the birthdays of our friends. We will always be ready in advance, have a card and present and...what? Severus Snape's birthday is on the 9th? Of January? This year? Yes, of course, we know that. No, we did not sound surprised, as we said we will always be prepared this year. Blimey, is that the time? We've got to move on. There's so much to do that is not in any way connected to birthdays... (All)

Horrorscope 2016 – Which horrors are facing you in the new year?

(Headquarters) Our motto is, as usual, the one of the Scouts: Be prepared. Therefore, we ventured out into the misty forays of the future to warn you from incidents which may (or may not) happen. Here goes:

Aquarius
So you thought you had the worst year ever in 2015? Think again! There were some good things, too, and so it will be every year. Honestly, writing horrorscopes is such crap…

Pisces
Swim in your deep waters, little fish, and find your own way through the murky lanes. Yes, there might be sharks, but with a little luck you’ll escape them. Or not.

Aries
You really need to sort out old ballast. And that includes finally finishing with things making you basically only unhappy. Clear cuts do help, and they do hurt – but who was it that lied to you about life being easy?

Taurus
Yeah, yeah, we all know just how great you are. Get a grip, you bighead, and see reason. Work to your excellence, and celebrate your success, but do leave space for others’ success as well.

Gemini
Honestly, your zodiac sign is so apt. A single person, even an astrological one, cannot be as stupid. You do manage to fall into every little trap on the way. Stay in bed for most of the year, that’ll be safer.

Cancer
You are really annoying at the best of times, and 2016 will not be the best of times for you. You need to slow down a bit and stop nipping people’s ankles like one of those abysmal small dog’s with a hubris-complex.

Leo
2016 will be better. No matter what happens, this upcoming year will be better. You will struggle at times, and some things will be just as annoying as before, but on the whole it will be better.

Virgo
Maybe this is the first year that sees you finally settled down- or maybe not. You will certainly have those moments of wanting to stop time, but you already know that this is something you need to live with. Try to be patient, though, for once.

Libra
It’s your year! You will be great in 2016, and you will excel at what you do. All your efforts will pay off, and you can celebrate a lot.

Scorpio
Your 2015 was a terrible experience. But cheer up, the upcoming year will bring much more light. And remember, there are always people to support you and show you lights even when you think you’re in complete darkness.

Sagittarius
Hit upon a new idea again? Why can’t you stop being such a nuisance and stick to one path once you’ve chosen it?

Capricorn
So you needed to try another kind of extreme sports during the Christmas break and now you complain about being laid up with broken bones? You know, this will be the exact mirror image of your upcoming 2016. You will be at fault and blame the world for everything.